Blessed and Broken

“I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground” (Isaiah 44:3).

Just one of the many verses that have been sent to me through e-mail, cards, texts, and phone calls over the past 2 days. 2 days... it feels like a year. Thank you dear friends, please keep them coming, my weary soul covets your prayers.

I do feel dry right now, I do feel thirsty, I do feel broken, I do feel needy, I do feel too many things to comprehend.

I do feel that schedules don't matter, plans don't matter, our "schemes" for what "we" should do with "our" lives are silly and inconsequential.

I spent a lot of time being selfish before all of this. I still feel selfish. My heart longs for my unborn child. I spent a lot of time talking about what was going to happen. What my life was going to look like. It wasn't malicious, or purposefully self-centered. But pretty much things were under control. Things are not under my control. That is ok. But that is a new reality. I said, "Lord willing..." but in my heart, I pretty much thought it would be my way.

I've been asking for forgiveness a lot. I want the Lord to know that I am totally His. His Will, His Plans, His Purposes. My mind and heart don't have room for anything else now. I can't walk without his Hand. One breath from Him and we rise or fall.

I know His plans for me are good. Satan won't defeat me, though he tries to slay me in the battleground of my mind right now. Strangely, right before all of this happened, I had been reading Isaiah 40 during my quiet times. It talks about how God is in control. How can I question his sovereignty in all of this?

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
And marked off the heavens by the span,
And calculated the dust of the earth by the measure,
And weighed the mountains in a balance
And the hills in a pair of scales?
Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord,
Or as His counselor has informed Him?
With whom did He consult and who gave Him understanding?
And who taught Him in the path of justice and taught Him knowledge?
And infomed Him of the way of understanding?
Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
And are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales;
Behold, he lifts up the islands like fine dust.
Even Lebanon is not enough to burn,
Nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
All the nations are as nothing before Him,
They are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless....

Do you now know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might he increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.