Lessons in Imperfection (and why I won't give up this Blog...)

So I'm slowly (very s..l..o..w..l..y) learning to give up the idea of "perfection." Ha! Even writing that sentence makes me laugh! It really is silly this notion that I have had in my head of everything being "just so" and put together. (I am a mom now, right?) Why this novel thought process?

You see I have been thinking about giving up this blog all together. I'm one of those Type A people that is bothered by not giving 100% at all things. And as you can see, October 22nd was the last time I gave this blog any attention. In my "perfect world" I'd be the girl that can actually keep up with something she's started! And this would mean weekly posts, at least! So I texted my best girlfriend and let her know... the blog was going to go. She basically told me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and update it as I can, for Emme's sake! For posterity! Funny that she wouldn't just "let me off the hook." She made me tackle again something I've been musing about for the last few weeks....

Why should a little thing like a Blog bother me so much? Maybe the issue is bigger than a Blog.

This started me on a chain of thinking that I had to put down into words (where better but on my Blog, right?) I have started reading a book called The Heart-Connected Life by Susan Cottrell. I've been blown away by the concepts it shares. And even more so how it has related so well to my own life experiences.

If I looked closely at the pattern that God has established in my life I would see that He created me as a person that likes to maintain order, plan ahead, see what is coming, do/be the BEST at everything possible, and of course keep everyone at peace and liking me in the process! Keep looking, and I see that though God created me uniquely with this rather rigid personality- He continues to ordain the course of my life in ways that would pull and stretch me away from MY course. To be more like Him? Yes, I hope so. But what I have started to realize is that I often find myself struggling against it rather than pressing into Him to mold me into His likeness.

I guess it is Emme that has truly made me think so much about this idea of being what GOD wants me to be, rather than some cookie cutter image of what I think things should be. You see I read all of the books on motherhood and "what to expect" and how to give your infant the best start at life. I followed those directions as much as I could, and you see --- my child has yet to really be one of those kids from the books! I am not bashing the books, trust me there have been many concepts that I have been able to apply for the greater good. But I'm learning (and my friends and family will confirm)... Emme isn't a black and white kiddo! I've given up on the equation method: "If you do this... it will produce such-and-such-result." As much as I would love to have clear cut answers, wouldn't I rather have to dig a little bit, get to know MY baby- and do what is best for her? Yes there are standards that aren't to be compromised, but I'm learning that the journey to that point is just that, a journey.

I want Emme to know the heart of her Heavenly Father. And I have to model that for her. Even now I want to do what is best for her- but I'm asking God to show me what that is. Will books or advice sometimes give me a good solution, yes! But first and foremost I need to go to the Lord and ask of HIS wisdom. So that I can give Emme, not perfection, not a cookie cutter mold, but the mold that God would give me for her- that she might eventually come to know Him in a personal way.

I don't want Emme to know a Mommy that needs things to be perfect, but a Mommy that will embrace her "imperfections" so she can grow as the Lord would have her. I'm going to try and stop looking for that "Perfect" child, so I can get to know the beautiful baby I've been so graciouslly given. Aren't I glad that God did this for me? That He wants to know me personally, faults and all, sin and all, so I can become more like Him?

"God gave us all unique, wonderful children. When he endowed our precious children with all their great potential, He never intended for us to make that happen. God gives us the opportunity to facilitate our children's dreams as He leads us; we cannot become God no matter how hard we try. Even if we succeed beyond our wildest dreams in achieving success for our children, If we are not submitted to God, we missed it. "

"We control our children when we have unreachable expectations or offer conditional acceptance. We think this will inspire them to do better. But unreachable expectations do not inspire anyone to greatness. No one drew near to the heart of God by keeping the law. And no one drew near to the heart of their parents by meeting their standards. The law drives us to defeat. After all, that is the purpose of the law."- The Heart-Connected Life

So I'm praying that God will help me to better embrace my imperfections, love my family, and become more like Him in all of these things.