I've discovered that everything is really all about control.
The truth about control:
I've discovered first hand that God has it and has always had it.
I've discovered that for a time, and from time to time, I've been under the illusion that I have it. For the past month and a half I've been (am) learning to surrender it.
Tonight again I feel the crushing sensation of giving it up.
Every day it is giving up control again. Every day it is a realization that I am owed nothing, that I have no right to the house with the picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the family dog. Even when we have those things, they are not OURS. Even the agonizing pain I am experiencing now, is not my own... it was God's purpose that Ben and I be refined by fire for HIS glory.
God's word says:
"Everything in the heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything. Riches and honor come from you alone, and you are the Ruler of all mankind; your hand controls power and might, and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength."
I Chronicles 29:11-12
So I find that my problems stem from a faulty belief... "MY possessions, MY dreams, MY friends, MY husband, MY child, MY family, MY job, MY education, MY future, ad infinitum..." And releasing these "MY's" is quite undoing... and painful and continual. While I know my faith is secure, and that I've been a follower of Christ since childhood, the undoing of "MY's" forms a different commitment, a painful yet necessary operation--- in which all of life is rearranged.
I have been pondering Howard Dayton's ideas on ownership versus Lordship:
- If we are going to be genuine followers of Christ, we must transfer the ownership of our possessions to the Lord. "No one... can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions" (Luke 14:33). In my experience I have found that the Lord will sometimes test us by asking that we be willing to relinquish the very possession that is dearest to us.
- It is important for the child of God to realize that his heavenly Father orchestrates even seemingly devestating circumstances for ultimate good in the lives of the godly. "I am the Lord, and there is no other, the One forming light and creating darkness, causing well-being and creating calamity; I am the Lord who does all these" (Isaiah 45: 6-7)
- "God can't use a person to the maximum, until he or she has been hurt deeply." A.W. Tozer
- God is the owner. He is in control of every circumstance, and He has promised to meet our needs.
I can not say that I am content, that would make me a liar. But I can say that my heavenly Father is teaching me much about contentment and I pray to be found faithful, even in my great, great weakness, failure, and mistrust. I often cry, "Lord I believe! Help my unbelief!"
"For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines... He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." Hebrews 12:6, 10-11