Eliot's Story

I know... two entries in one day... but I couldn't resist sharing it.

I happened upon Oprah tonight and was touched by the story of Eliot Mooney. A baby that lived only 3 months, yet his parents' faith is so strong- and they give all glory to God. Watch their video on you tube first...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qILw1iFzmIE

It made me think about our baby, and how its life is sacred, and God cares. And our baby is in heaven with the Lord. Reading Ginny's (Eliot's mom) blog describes so exactly the way that I am feeling, and imagine I will feel if the Lord provides another child for Ben and myself. I hope you will take the time to read through some of her thoughts, she speaks much more eloquently than myself, and yet it speaks the truth of my reality for now... check out the entry on October 11th... it pretty much says it all.

http://thespectacularvernacular.blogspot.com/

Praise You in this Storm

What my heart is holding on to by a thread...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

I was sure by now,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again,
I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

Psalm 57

Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me,
For my soul takes refuge in You;
And in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge
Until destruction passes by.
I will cry to God Most High,
To God who accomplishes all things for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
He reproaches him who tramples upon me.
God will send forth His lovingkindness and His truth.
~~~
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!
Awake, my glory!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to You among the nations.
For Your lovingkindness is great to the heavens
And Your truth to the clouds.
Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

Cease striving and know that I am God.

A Grief Observed

There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in.



And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job--- where the machine seems to run on much as usual--- I loathe the slightest effort... They say the unhappy man wants distractions--- something to take him out of himself...It's easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.



Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms... Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble? I tried to put some of these thoughts to a friend this afternoon. He reminded me that the same thing seems to have happened to Christ: 'Why has thou forsaken me?' I know. Does that make it easier to understand?



An odd byproduct of my loss is that I'm aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they'll 'say something about it' or not. I hate if they do, and if they don't.


You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover hou much you really trusted it? Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.


Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.


Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.

Psalm 86

Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and oppressed.
Preserve my life, for I am loyal; save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; pity me, Lord; to you I call all the day.
Gladden the soul of your servant; to you, Lord, I lift up my soul.
Lord, you are kind and forgiving, most loving to all who call on you.
LORD, hear my prayer; listen to my cry for help.
In this time of trouble I call, for you will answer me.

Somewhere

Somewhere
Between the lost and the found
We're all hanging empty
Empty and upside down
But I'm hanging on
Though the fall may tempt me
And I believe in the dawn
Though I tremble in the night

Somewhere
Amidst these ins and these outs
There's a fine line of purpose
I follow even now
Through the haze of despair
That confuses and hurts us
I look to see that You're there
And I run toward Your light

Somewhere
Beyond these reasons and feelings
Somewhere
Beyond the passion and fatigue
I know You're there
And that Your Spirit is leading me
Somewhere
Beyond all this

Someday
Now I don't know when
But I know that You're coming
You're coming back again
And the earth will burn away
And the sky fill with thundering
As it announces the day
That has finally arrived

Somewhere
While the time is still now
While we're hanging empty
Empty and upside down
But I'm hanging on
With all that is in me
And I'll sing my songs
And I'll laugh until I fly

Somewhere
Beyond these reasons and feelings
Somewhere
Beyond the passion and fatigue
I know You're there
And that Your Spirit is leading me

Somewhere
Beyond all this

The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus

"... and that's the way the Father of Jesus is: He loves those most who need Him most, who rely on Him, depend upon Him and trust Him in everything. Little He cares whether you've been as pure as St. John or as sinful as the prostitute in Simon the Pharisee's house. All that matters is trust. It seems to me that learning how to trust God defines the meaning of Christian living. God doesn't wait until we have our moral life in order before He starts loving us."

Hold Me Jesus

Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down
I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin


I'm singing hold me Jesus
'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.


No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
C.S. Lewis

My Sentiments Exactly...

There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't nothing to be ashamed of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

Now, People say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear

I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

-Uncle Rich Mullins

Blessed and Broken

“I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground” (Isaiah 44:3).

Just one of the many verses that have been sent to me through e-mail, cards, texts, and phone calls over the past 2 days. 2 days... it feels like a year. Thank you dear friends, please keep them coming, my weary soul covets your prayers.

I do feel dry right now, I do feel thirsty, I do feel broken, I do feel needy, I do feel too many things to comprehend.

I do feel that schedules don't matter, plans don't matter, our "schemes" for what "we" should do with "our" lives are silly and inconsequential.

I spent a lot of time being selfish before all of this. I still feel selfish. My heart longs for my unborn child. I spent a lot of time talking about what was going to happen. What my life was going to look like. It wasn't malicious, or purposefully self-centered. But pretty much things were under control. Things are not under my control. That is ok. But that is a new reality. I said, "Lord willing..." but in my heart, I pretty much thought it would be my way.

I've been asking for forgiveness a lot. I want the Lord to know that I am totally His. His Will, His Plans, His Purposes. My mind and heart don't have room for anything else now. I can't walk without his Hand. One breath from Him and we rise or fall.

I know His plans for me are good. Satan won't defeat me, though he tries to slay me in the battleground of my mind right now. Strangely, right before all of this happened, I had been reading Isaiah 40 during my quiet times. It talks about how God is in control. How can I question his sovereignty in all of this?

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
And marked off the heavens by the span,
And calculated the dust of the earth by the measure,
And weighed the mountains in a balance
And the hills in a pair of scales?
Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord,
Or as His counselor has informed Him?
With whom did He consult and who gave Him understanding?
And who taught Him in the path of justice and taught Him knowledge?
And infomed Him of the way of understanding?
Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
And are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales;
Behold, he lifts up the islands like fine dust.
Even Lebanon is not enough to burn,
Nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
All the nations are as nothing before Him,
They are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless....

Do you now know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might he increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…